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A number of subconscious triggers play a major
role in the dating game, governing how we see each other. Find out how to
avoid getting the push before you've said "hello"!
Statistics differ but most experts agree it
takes us between 90 seconds and four minutes to decide if we fancy someone -
and as much as we'd like to think it all rests on that witty one-liner, it
doesn't.
Fifty-five per cent of the impression we get from someone comes
through our body language
Thirty-eight per cent is from the tone, speed and inflection of our
voice and a mere seven per cent is from what we're actually saying!
First impressions
This doesn't mean you can get away with droning on about your passion for
snails and butterfly collection forever (content is crucial later), but it
does mean you need to get the body language right straight away or they
won't bother to stick around to find out how fascinating you are.
If you're not already feeling horribly self-conscious, you should be. To
make you completely paranoid, here's another scary thought. Before you've
even spoken to the person you've got your eye on, the way you've walked and
stood is more than 80 per cent of their first impression of you!
We make snap judgements based on instinct but the fact is, almost every
facet of our personality is evident from our appearance, posture and the way
we move.
So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals - and (more
importantly) how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking (and the
flirting) by learning to recognise...
The five secret sexual signals that someone is flirting with youThe
flirting triangle.
When we look at people we're not familiar with
(in a business situation for instance), our eyes make a zig-zag motion: we
look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.
With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle
shape: we look from eye to eye but also look down to include the nose and
mouth.
Once we start flirting, the triangle gets even bigger - it widens at the
bottom to include their good bits (like the body). The more intense the
flirting, the more intensely we'll look from eye to eye - and the more time
we'll spend looking at their mouth.
If someone is watching your mouth while you're talking to them, it can be
very, very seductive. It could be that they're imagining what it would be
like to kiss you.
Mirroring. This is what separates a good flirt from a great flirt:
nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone's behaviour.
This simply means you do whatever it is they do. If they lean forward to
tell you something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back to
take a sip of their drink and look you in the eye, you pause then follow
suit.
The theory behind mirroring is that we like people who are like us. If
someone is doing what we're doing, we feel they're on the same level as us
and in the same mood as we are.
There are two no-go areas with this one, though: firstly, only mirror
positive body language; second, capture the spirit rather than mimicking
them. As a general rule, wait around 50 seconds before following their
gestures.
The eyebrow flash. When we first see someone we're attracted to, our
eyebrows rise and fall. If they are similarly attracted, they raise their
eyebrows in return. Never noticed? It's not surprising since the whole thing
lasts only about a fifth of a second!
We're not consciously aware of doing it, but it's a gesture that is
duplicated by every culture on Earth. In fact, some experts claim it's the
most instantly recognised non-verbal sign of greeting used by humans.
The trick is to watch for it when you meet someone you fancy. Better still,
tell them you're interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your
eyebrow flash for up to one second - deliberately raise them while catching
their eye for full impact.
Pointing. Sneak a peek at what their feet and hands are doing - we
tend to point toward the person we're interested in. If we find someone
attractive, we'll often point at them subconsciously with our hands arms,
feet, legs, toes.
Again, it's an unconscious indicator to make our intentions known.
Unconsciously, this is often picked up by the other person, without them
really knowing why.
So if you've got your eye on someone in the corner, point your body in their
direction - even if you don't make eye contact, they may take the hint.
Blinking. If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases
and so does their blink rate. If you want to up the odds in your favour, try
increasing the blink rate of the person you're talking to, by blinking more
yourself. If the person likes you, they'll unconsciously try to match your
blink rate to keep in sync with you, which in turn, makes you both feel more
attracted to each other!
Now, one final word before you go rushing off to the nearest bar to practise
all this. Before you go, you must understand...
The golden rule of body language
Don't judge on one thing alone. Sitting with your arms crossed is often
perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture. But it might also mean you're
freezing cold, you're having a fat day or just spilt coffee all over your
top!
Don't jump to conclusions, instead look for clusters of behaviour. If
someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly,
it's a fairly safe bet they are on the defensive. Most body language experts
favour the Rule of Four, which means look for at least four signals
suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.
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